HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
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If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
i really liked this one
My guardian angel deserves a raise
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again