museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
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“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
I’m crying im so happy for them
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick