Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Home is where your toilet is.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*