[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
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Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that