“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
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My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar