things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
my favorite genre of twitter
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.