Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
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Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
drew a comic about my origin story
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.