The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs