if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Denise please return my vape pen
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water