[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
You Might Also Like
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*