A man of commitment.
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Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Thursday Thought.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?