Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
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If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My birthstone is kidney
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
And bowling should be called pinball
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”