As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
You Might Also Like
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Running from your problems is cardio .
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me My dog
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.