It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
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[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Breaking news:
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Monday?
No. Next question.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
From my Mom
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.