No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
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*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
They’re called werewolves.
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.