Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
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People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on