I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
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Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”