The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
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Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined