I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
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My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
2022: I can fix it
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.