Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
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I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.