If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
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I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple