Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
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“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
What a website
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.