Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
m’lady
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek