[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
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Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
How to make infinite energy.