I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Mouse
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*