Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.