13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
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*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.