Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
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Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge