I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
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the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?