“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.