“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
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My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No