First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
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another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”