Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
You Might Also Like
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.