me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Hello, my name is Pierre.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog