Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Beauty and the Beast
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?