I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
こいつ天才
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Before & after 😅
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.