Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
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That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.