Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
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Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
not seeing the problem
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
The first matador
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Had to try this trend 😊
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.