In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
You Might Also Like
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows