I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
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RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already