For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
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perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.