I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
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Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Well, my evening plans are ruined
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole