When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
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You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
#parenting
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question