When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.