Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved