Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
want me to check your oil?
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one