I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
O Wise One….
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.