Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
You can’t outrun your problems…
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid