Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
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Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I am, perchance
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”