I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
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Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”